


Eta vs. Alpha

by CoyToy



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Agent Washington Cameo, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fraternity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon-typical language, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 19:29:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoyToy/pseuds/CoyToy
Summary: Rival frats Eta Zeta Omega (Red Team) and Alpha Beta Epsilon (Blue Team) fight to gain the most recruits at Blood Gulch University's yearly student recruitment fair.  Done as part of the 2017 RvB Bingo Wars.





	

“Simmons, Donut, Lopez, _Griiiif_.” Sarge’s voice carried through the walls of Eta Zeta Omega, the only thing louder than the sound of Grif’s snoring. Slowly, one by one, the boys dragged themselves into the living room; Lopez left behind the sports car he was fixing up, Simmons abandoned his myriad of computers, Donut dropped his diary on his pillow, and Grif transferred napping positions from his bed to the ratty couch downstairs.  

“If you don’t mind, sir, can we get this over with? I’m practicing for a sleep study I’m going to be a part of next week for the Psychology Department,” Grif yawned. “They’re testing the effects of breaks on brain power or something, I don’t really care.”

“You don’t really care about _anything_ ,” Simmons muttered. “Must be nice being undecided. Physics majors never get to sleep as much as you do.”

“That’s the downside to being a nerd.” Grif paused for a moment. “Is there an _upside_ to being a nerd?”

“Grif! Simmons! Pay attention!” Sarge yelled. He tapped a dowel rod on an easel pad that had inexplicably appeared beside him. The words, “Eta Recruitment Plan” were emblazoned across the front in bright red sharpie. “This year’s student activities fair is coming up, and I want to recruit the most members of any frat, especially more than those _pesky Alphas_ …”

“If there’s anything I love, it’s more men, sir,” Donut chirped.

“DONUT,” Simmons groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“What? What’s wrong with wanting to have more guys around? We could sit and drink cocktails and talk about our _dreams_ and our _feelings_ …”

 “Okay, Donut, you’re going to be at the back of our booth, okay?” Sarge commanded.

“Oh, that’s _great_ , I _love_ being in the rear!”

“On second thought, you’ll sit beside me and not say a word,” Sarge corrected. He flipped the page on the easel pad. “In order to get more recruits, we’re gonna have to show them that we’re the better fraternity at Blood Gulch University. I have a twelve-step plan. First, we steal the Alphas’ flag, but they’ll be sure to chase us, so Grif, you’re going to run at the back and let them catch you…”

“You know, sir, wouldn’t it just be easier for us to run a booth like normal people and tell them our strengths as a frat or something?” Grif questioned.

“Don’t be ridiculous! We need everyone to know that we’re the best! I already have Lopez rigging a fireworks machine – how’s that going, by the way?”

Lopez looked up from the side, where he had been standing with crossed arms. “ _Sí, lo está bueno. Porque yo realmente está construido una máquina de pirotecnia_.” 

“Excellent as always, Lopez,” Sarge praised. “Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll get more like you to join us this year. Add some more diversity.”

“ _Yo detesto esta fraternidad_.”

“Heh, funny as always, Lopez,” Sarge laughed. “So does everyone know the plan?”

Simmons stood up to protest. “What? No! You haven’t even finished explaining –”

“Great, then let’s go show those loser freshmen who the best fraternity is!”

 

* * *

 

 

“So. We have any plans for a activities fair?” Tucker stretched his lithe body over the couch, causing his magazine to fall from his chest to the floor.

Church shrugged and carelessly threw another dart at the board. “No, not really. Who would want to join this frat? _I_ don’t even want to be here, and I’m the goddamn president.”

“It’s okay, Church. We don’t want you here either.”

“Well, that’s not true,” Caboose piped up in his singsong voice, his eyes still glued to his sketchpad. “Some would say that maybe they would wish _you_ weren’t here so they could have Church _all_ to themselves and then we could play games and do best friend things.”

“ _Caboose_ ,” Church sighed. “What have I said about quiet time?”

Caboose nodded. “Right. No talking. Except for you and Tucker.”

“And I really wish Tucker wasn’t talking, either.”

“Hey man, don’t get mad at me for just wanting to get some new members,” Tucker snapped. “You know Eta Zeta Omega are gonna try everything to get new recruits, and that’s just gonna make our lives harder.”

Church threw his last dart, but like the rest, he missed the board altogether and snagged the wall. “Got any bright ideas?”

“Nah, I’ve told you; I’m a lover, not a planner.”

“Okay,” Church pondered as he sat in his designated armchair, “I guess we gotta make our frat look cool. What makes us special?”

“Well, every once in a while, some of us get a cake and we sing and we’re all happy and good friends, so I think that’s very special,” Caboose reflected.

“Caboose, what you’re describing is a birthday party,” said Tucker. “We get you a cake when it’s your birthday.”

“I wish it were my birthday all the time.”

“Okay, back to actually good ideas,” Church huffed. “We got a scorpion. That’s cool, right?”

“Oh, Sheila?” Tucker clarified. He sat up and peered over the arm of the couch, where a black emperor scorpion huddled under a fake plant in its enclosure. “Sheila is pretty cool, but sucks at picking up chicks. Chicks don’t like scorpions, I guess.”

Church’s green eyes sparked. “Actually, wait, speaking of chicks – Sis and Tex! We have _girls_ in our frat.”

Tucker laughed. “Right, but Sis is Sis, and Tex hates you, so I mean.”

“Tex does _not_ hate me! She’s my _girlfriend_!”

“And yet she refuses to call you her boyfriend,” Tucker pointed out. “Or refer to you in any way, actually. I’ll let you figure that one out, Church.”

Church opened his mouth to respond, but the doorbell stopped him. “Um, Caboose, could you get that?”

“Of course! It sounds like new friends! I hope they brought cookies.” Caboose skipped into the hallway and to the front door. On the either side stood a blond guy sporting a lightish-red polo.

“Well, hey there, Caboose! You’re looking _strong_. Have you been working out?”

“Ah, yes, hello, Mr. Muffin. What brings you to Alpha Base today?” Caboose’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not trying to steal the flag again, are you? And we don’t have any more elbow grease or headlight fluid.”

“Actually, we were just setting up our booth for the activities fair, and we realized we needed another flag, but we don’t have any more. Do you happen to have a spare flag we could use?”

“Oh yes, we do! Church said to never give it away to Sarge or Simmons or Grif (with two f’s)…But you’re none of them, so you are okay! Wait here, and I’ll go get it.” Caboose thudded up the steps and wandered into Church’s room, where the blue flag was pinned to the wall above his bed. Caboose carefully removed it from the wall and bounced back downstairs, offering the piece of fabric to Donut. “Here you go.”

“Who was that?” Church asked after the front door had closed again.

“Oh, you know, it was just the nice muffin man from Eta Zeta Omega. He asked if we had an extra flag, so I gave them ours.”

“You _what_?” Church was on his feed. “God _damn_ it, Caboose, what did I tell you?”

Caboose paused for a while. “Toads are supposed to stay outside?”

“No, the other thing!”

“To stop watching you sleep?”

“No, Caboose, I told you to not let the Etas have our flag.” He sighed forcefully, running a hand through his messy black hair. “Now we’re gonna have to go to the activities fair and get it back.”

“Get _what_ back?” A tall blonde was leaning on the doorway, arms folded across her leather jacket.

Church’s expression dropped. “Oh, hey, Tex, um—”

Tucker stepped in. “Oh, Caboose just handed our flag over to the Etas again. We have to get it back now, I guess.”

Tex placed her hands on her hips. “We _will_ get it back. Bring Sheila. Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

 

The student activities fair was in full swing by the time Eta Zeta Omega arrived to set up their booth in the massive gymnasium. Wide-eyed freshman wandered up and down the rows, feigning interest in a club here and there while they loaded up their bags with free stuff. The Etas booth was situated in the corner, which Sarge insisted was the best spot so they could “see their enemies coming.”

“I have to say, Donut, I’m impressed that you managed to get the flag,” said Simmons. “I didn’t think they’d just _give_ it to you.”

(Grif laughed shortly. “Have you ever _met_ Caboose?”)

“Hey, if I can’t get a guy to give it to me, then what am I good for?” Donut reasoned.

“Okay, but do you think that the ROTC girl will come after us?” Nervousness slipped into Simmons’ voice. “Texas or whatever her name is?”

“Yeah, she’ll probably try to kill some of us or whatever, but why are we acting like that’s a bad thing?” Grif murmured.

“Simmons! Grif! Donut! Why aren’t you helping?” Sarge shouted from the booth. Lopez and Sarge had already done most of the decorating – a red cloth sprawled over the table, a collage of pictures of the gang that Donut had assembled (“Don’t we all just look so _cute_?”), and the blue flag proudly displayed behind.

“We are; we’ve been staying out of your way,” Grif answered. In a lower voice, he sarcastically added, “Jesus, they really put a lot of thought into that booth, didn’t they?”

“Hey! Etas!”

Sarge and co. turned around just in time to see the Alphas approaching; Church and Tex in the lead, with Tucker and Sis chattering behind them and Caboose juggling multiple boxes in the back. They dropped anchor at the only other empty booth, right across the aisle from the Etas.

“Prepare to get outnumbered, because we’re gonna get all the new recruits!” Church fired. But like everything he fired, he horribly missed. “Okay, that sounded better in my head.”

“How did that sound any good in your head?” Tucker retorted.

“Tucker, just, shut up – Look, Etas, you’re gonna pay for taking our flag!”

Grif raised an eyebrow. “You mean the flag your _own_ member just gave to us?”

Redness rose in Church’s cheeks. “What? _Yes_!”

“You know, Sarge may have his faults, but at least he doesn’t scream all the time,” Simmons muttered to Grif.

“There’s no way anyone would _want_ to be an Alpha when they can be an Eta. Glory to the Etas!” Sarge declared, holding up their own red flag.

“Yeah, suck it, Alphas!” Simmons echoed.

“Hey, Alphas, I don’t see your flag!” Donut egged.

“Oh, I’ll show them,” Tex growled, before Church grabbed her wrist in a weak effort to restrain here.

“No, Tex, wait, just wait,” he said. “We’ll have our chance, I promise.”

“Oh, I _know_ we will,” she added darkly.

 

* * *

 

 

The Alphas set up their booth in record time, and Caboose happily decorated it with his crafts, drawings, and cutouts, though it was interesting to note that Tucker was missing from nearly all of them. But an hour into the fair, there was a bigger crowd at the Etas table than the Alphas.

“What do the Etas have that we don’t?” Church asked, more to himself than the rest. “We have a _scorpion_. We have girls. We have pancakes sometimes when Caboose doesn’t burn them. What do the Etas have?”

“For starters, they don’t have a whiny bitch like you, the lucky bastards,” Tex retorted. Her eyes were concentrated on the Etas table, watching them like a cat gazing at the birdfeeder. “This is a good time to strike. They’re busy.”

Currently, Sarge was in the middle of a grand speech describing the Etas exploits: “…the night was cold, but my blood ran hot, and I knew that there was nothing that could stop us, especially not those dirty Alphas…”

“God, no one can ever say he doesn’t love his own frat,” Tex grumbled. She reached under the booth and pulled out a little carrier, where Sheila lay in wait. She crept forward and ducked low in the direction of the Etas’ table. She saw a little gap between two freshmen’s feet, and she struck, darting forward and pulling the lid off Sheila’s carrier in one smooth motion. She smirked to herself as the emperor scorpion crawled out and explored the toes of a nearby student. Before the screams started, Tex was already back at the Alphas’ booth.

“What in sam-hell…?” Sarge shouted as Sheila skittered over his foot. “Donut, permission to panic!”

“Oh, _god_ , we’re under _attack_!” Donut wailed in his high-pitched voice.

“The Alphas trying to _kill_ us!” Simmons yelled. “I told you this was gonna happen.”

“ _Idiotas. Eso escorpión no es venenoso_ ,” Lopez said over the mounting chaos.

“You’re right, Lopez – it _is_ poisonous!” Donut shrieked.

“ _Suspiro_.”

“This is ridiculous.” Grif leapt up on a chair. “Hey, you! Alphas! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You know what? You guys suck! You hear me? S-U-C-K! You _fucking_ suck! Except you, Kai, you know I love you.”

“We suck?” Tucker shouted back. “You fuckers can’t even go on a panty raid without one or more of you crying!”

“It’s not our fault that talking to girls is scary!” Simmons inputted in a small voice.

“And last I heard, their ‘ _wild rager party_ ’ last week was just a wine and cheese hour,” Tucker added.

“Hey, I’ll have you know that there is nothing classier than a nice Bordeaux with some fresh goat cheese!” Donut countered. “Some of us enjoy the finer things in life.”

“Oh, I definitely enjoy the finer things, if you know what I mean...” Tucker winked at two freshmen walking by, who scowled at him in return.

“Jesus, what is wrong with all of you?” interrupted a tall, sandy-haired guy who had gotten in between the two booths. “You call yourself _fraternities_? It sounds like all you do is sit around and talk.”

“Dude, you’re obviously new to our dynamic,” Grif said.

And by the end of the fair, neither Eta Zeta Omega or Alpha Beta Epsilon had any new recruits – though a med student named Frank Dufresne asked to join both – but Tex had stolen cookies for the Alphas from the baking society, while Sarge and the Etas received quite an audience for his public protest of the university’s seemingly anti-strawberry yoohoo policy. All in all, it was a more successful day than most.

 

* * *

 

 

**Bonus Scene** :

 

Kaikaina Grif leaned back in her chair, the lone Alpha at the table while the rest went god-cares-where. “Hot…hot… _definitely_ hot…hot…” she whispered to herself, her eyes scanning the crowd that passed by. She almost didn’t notice when a guy appeared in front of her. Kai’s eyes raked up and down. Tall, nice shoulders, sandy hair, freckles. “Very hot,” she concluded.

“Um…what?”

“Nothing,” said Kai, as she sat up, wrapping a lock of her dark hair around her finger. “What brings you to the Alpha booth?”

“Just looking around. So…you guys have crazy parties or…?”

Kai’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you want to know? I mean, we turn our house into a rave on Tuesdays, but you don’t need to know that.”

“—But you just told me—”

“Why are you so interested? Are you a cop or something?”

“What? No,” he rejected. “Though I am a criminal justice major. My name’s David—”

“Wait, criminal justice? So you’re a _future_ cop! Or you _are_ a cop – from the future!” Her eyes widened. “You know, that’s kinda hot.”

“Um, right, I’m gonna go now. Have fun with your…whatever,” he said as he slowly backed away.

Tucker reappeared a moment later, watching this David guy walk away. “Whoa! Who was that?”

“Just some cop from the future,” said Kai.

“Damn, well he can put handcuffs on me _any_ time – bow chicka bow wow.”

 


End file.
